Monday, May 17, 2010

Sueño del 17/05/10


primero estoy entrando a lo que sería mi casa. se entra por la parte de atrás de una verdulería china, donde primero trato de comprar como ciruelas pero con forma de batatas. le pido unas que esten oscuras, que sean dulces, y me da unas que estan duras, entonces le digo que no quiero esas. me muestra que la tienen en diferentes estilos, cortadas en rodajitas, rellenas, pero que oscuras y sin nada como las quiero yo no hay. me dice la china que pase más al mediodia que van a tener. salgo de la verduría y no me acuerdo bien qué es lo que miro, al lado pegada a la verdulería está la escalera que lleva a mi casa, que primero es una escalera normal, pero después pasa a ser una escalera como las de pintor, con patas. yo la estoy subiendo con jackie en brazos, y está dificil. es largísima la escalera, y más arriba veo que está samanta subiendola también, que dice que viene a visitarme. ella la sube re rápido y llega, cuando llego yo ya no tengo a jackie en brazos, y leonel está arriba también. me dicen que mi colchón no está. mi "habitación" es solo una cama suspendida en el aire. cada piso sale a un hueco como si fuese una torre donde hay camas suspendidas. mi cama es la última, sería el último piso. abajo mío vive natalia. mi colchón no sé cómo estaba arriba de todo, y leonel sube a buscarlo para tirarmelo desde allá. cuando veo para arriba, jackie está allá. hay como dos balcones y ella está arriba de todo, y yo le grito que no salte que la voy a ir a buscar, pero salta el primero y yo grito. no le pasa nada, y se asoma desde el segundo. le digo que no salte de nuevo, y justo leonel me tira los colchones y justo cuando los agarro jackie se tira y cae en el borde de uno, así que no se lastima, pero sigue cayendo hasta el colchón de natalia. yo me tiro y natalia tenía el piso de abajo de todo, así que es todo piso. agarro a jackie que había caído en su colchón, natalia está practicando hockey sobre patín. le digo que cómo vuelvo a mi cama desde ahí abajo, y no me ayuda. sigue en la suya y me señala otra escalera con patas, como de pintor. la empiezo a subir con jackie pero es re dificil, se mueve y se separa de la pared. le digo a natalia que la sostenga, y llego a otro piso, pero en ese no había escalera ni nada, era un pasillo. salgo y son más y más pasillos, voy pasando puertas y escaleras que dan a pisos de departamento, pero nada parecido a esa torre con las camas flotando. llego como a un hall todo blanco, con mas o menos cinco puertas dobles, que están todas un poquito abiertas, asi que me empiezo a asomar a ver si reconozco algo para volver a mi cuarto. todo con jackie a upa, abrazandola. estoy bastante asustada vale aclarar. me asomo a las puertas que al final son balcones. dan a la ciudad, que sería solo muchos autos y como si la ciudad se la estuviese comiendo el mar, entonces hay agua que sube hasta el piso, y los autos pasan por arriba como si nada. cierro esa puerta y me asomo por otra, y siempre veo lo mismo, una ciudad con muchos autos llena de agua verdosa. de repente escucho un ruido de otra puerta, y cuando voy hay una mujer en una cocina. le explico que quería volver a la parte del edificio que se entra por la verdulería china, que ahí vivo yo, y me empieza a decir que si quería me podía quedar a dormir ahi. era una mujer petiza, medio gordita, morocha, con anteojos y los ojos delineados. un vestido amarillo con puntos negros. me lleva a una habitación, y cuando me doy cuenta veo que lo que ella maneja es algo así como un manicomio. el cuarto tiene una cama en el piso, como si fuese una bolsa de dormir, y tiene peluches. entre ellos, el perro que tenía yo cuando era chica. ella me dice que ahí se estaba quedando a dormir una mulata, pero que hoy no iba así que podía quedarme. yo le explico que no quería dormir ahí, que quería volver con jackie a mi cama, que solo me explique cómo llegar. ella me dice "ah, me pareció que te hacía falta quedarte acá... solo querías explicaciones de cómo llegar?"



y ahi termina.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Coincidences. I wonder if there is a more intriguing subject than "coincidence". There are some people that believe in destiny, they believe that we are here for a reason, and that our paths are already decided for us. That when something happens, it was meant to happen. They think that a certain someone (I assume, God) has already decided what we are meant to be in our lives.


I wish I could believe that as well. Wouldn't that make life so much easier? I mean, you would just accept the facts that go against you, and say "it's allright, because He made it happen, it had to be this way".


I'm starting to think I already wrote something about destiny, but whatever, I'll let it flow again. Writing about the same thing tbat amazes me twice has to mean something, right psycologist?


Ok, what was I saying? Right, my particular point of view.


And let's give an example for this one: one particular day, a girl takes a different bus because she's late, and that same day a guy was going to visit a friend that he never usually visits. Those two people actually take the same bus, a bus that they don't usually take and on a certain day that wasn't expected, they meet by chance (I don't know, she drops her books and he helps her pick them up) and fall in love "at first glance". They then will say that it was meant to be, that they HAD to take that bus to meet each other.


B U L L S H I T


That was MERE CHANCE! Coincidence on its very roots.


Is it really so much easier to believe that "everything happens for a reason"? Seriously, I wish I could. But I see the crude and truthful reality. I think that it just happend, and that it doesn't happen a lot, just because of it being a coincidence. I mean, it's so obvious that it hurts when I see someone so pious to the thought that it was meant to be.


Wake up people!! You think that because when you do something wrong, or when you miss something during your life, a decision that took you to catasthrope, you want to use that excuse as well. You'll say "I was wrong, but because life made this to happen, something good will come its way". Yeah right, that's what you WANT to believe. And since you are so sure about that, it WILL happen, because you will put all your energy on every thing else, and you'll end up doing something right because of this effort you'll be putting on things, and you'll say "see?" and I'll say FOOL !



(va sin corrector de ortografía)

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Vengo durmiendo mal. Poco y de a partes. Con los ojos cerrados pero la mente en otro lado, que no es en sueños. Creo que, más que dormir, pierdo la consciencia un rato. Mis pensamientos son tantos que las voces se acoplan y mi mente deja de prestarles atención, pero sin caer tan profundo como para dormir. A la mañana estoy bien, no siento que tengo que estar de algún humor en particular por esto de no dormir bien. Lo pienso un rato, y lo atribuyo a que no quiero quedarme dormida para el trabajo. Estoy pensando que va más allá, que algo importante mantiene a mi mente tan ocupada. Tengo una idea de lo que puede llegar a ser, y la verdad que no sé qué voy a hacer al respecto. No puedo seguir durmiendo mal, pero cambiar las cosas va a ser malo. Muy malo. Va a traer peores días, con todavía menos sueño, o descanso.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Whatever happened with my dreams? I promised myself that I would leave, and I will. I just keep postponing it... I hope I never give up on it. I believe in myself and I know I will do everything I set up to do sometime in the future. I just hope that when I decide to do it, it's not too late. Everything has changed so much in the last year. I can't begin to tell you. And I suppose that everything will have to go back in a year or two. I can't do what I want in my current situation. I have to have no responsabilities, I can't be attached, and I have to want it. Am I saying that I don't want it now? I am actually saying that I wouldn't be able to do it right now, I moved on to a different experience that I can't just skip, I need to finish this stage first. There is too much at risk, that I can't lose right now. It would devastate me.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

At least I tried

There was a man. A man and he's suit. He would go to work everyday and come back home, always at the same time. Nothing was new, no change at all. He would sit on his couch and wonder. His life was so boring he didn't even remember how things had turned out for him to be that way. Alone. And sad. He had nothing to care about, and no one to care about him. He went unnoticed through life, thinking it was his purpose to just let it go by. He didn't really care for what was going around, and he didn't care about other people. He was so depressed he sometimes sat on the floor, in the darkness of his room, and think about the best way to escape from his miserable life, to find a way out.The only thing that was in the way was his fear. He was so afraid of losing this. What is "this"? Himself. He was so close to himself this way. He didn't really know who he was anymore, but he felt so comfortable with just himself. He didn't have to please anyone. He didn't have to expect anything from anyone. He didn't have to do anything that he didn't want to. He lived to please himself, depending on no one. Not having to excuse himself and not having to live under other people's prejudices.He liked that and he didn't want to lose it.But one day another part of his mind showed him a different light. Where he had a purpose. He would try to convince himself that he was happy this way, not needing anyone or anything. But it turns out that light showed him he was wrong. That light was fulfilling, it was making him feel the beauty of something else. Something different.It was making him feel like he could do something for someone else than him. And it thaught him that he could do so much better, overcome this sadness and loneliness.But it was so hard getting used to a new life... that he died trying.

Monday, July 20, 2009

What friendship means this year...

Every year has its differences. There's usually one or more things that define a year in particular. 2007 was the year I first travelled by myself. 2008 was the year I got a call center job that defined my professional life. 2009 was the year that I got promoted for the first time in my life. I'm not going to tell other things that happend other years, but I think I made my point.


This year is being very special... This year, my social life changed. I guess I can say that this year, I have friends.

I've always considered my previous friends... unreliable. They were just... there. Never showing any interest, never telling you if they care about you or if they don't. So, crearly stating that they didn't, having friends that do has made this year a whole new experience. I've learnt so much about them, like having friends for the first time.

I'm seriously considering that they might be my first friends ever. And, imagine this, when a kid has his first friend, he makes mistakes. Kids learn about friends all through their adolescence. They learn what's right and wrong according to the rules of friendship. What your friends expect of you and what you have to give in order to receive in exchange. You learn to love them as your family, to count on them and, most importantly, to trust.

Suddenly, I realized that I'm going through this process now. On my 22nd year of life. It's kind of late, isn't it? I'd say it's never too late, but the friends I've made have to go through this process with me. And it's hard, it really is.

At first, I didn't really know how they put up with it. But then I started thinking... "hey... they might actually be real good friends". The kind I never thought I'd get.

And now I KNOW for a fact that they're special. They haven't left me, and though I'm still learning and making mistakes, they've stated that they're not going anywhere.

I still have a little voice within, telling me that nothing lasts forever, and that there's a normal cycle for friendships. I have never heard of two best friends, REAL best friends, that lasted more than like... 20 years. I don't really think it's possible to maintain the same level of friendship through the years. I guess it fades away, it wears out. You can go back to what it was, but you know it will never be the same. Just because people change, and just like you get along with your partner, you get along with a friend. And just as you get tired of your partner, you might get tired of a friend too. I'm just saying, it happens. Everything happens. Shit happens.

I'm not going to get much into it, but I also don't want to let it behind. Something else happend to me this year. It didn't happen, it appeared to me, it shocked me. It blew me off my feet and showed me a whole different world. I guess I can say that I found love.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Geez, keep it to yourself!


Why is it that we always need to tell someone? I mean, if you don't do it when it happens, we all know you'll do it later. People just can't keep things to themselves. If you don't tell it, you write about it, you think about it so much that you always end up talking about it, even if you get to that subject unconsciously.

And if it was that way, it's because you really needed to get it out. And that's my question, why?

Do we need approval? Do we need an opinion? Do we need to feel that we trust someone? Do we really need them to know? Do we need to see their faces when we tell them?

Really, what is it? Because I can't figure it out, but I still can't keep it to myself, like everyone else. I try, I really do. I don't see the point to it.

I remember I spent some time without telling almost anything to anyone. That was the time that I used this blog more than ever. Because I still felt like I needed to get it out. Even if nobody reads it, or gives a comment, a suggestion. I knew nobody was reading it, and writing about it made me feel so much better.

And I know how sad it sounds, but when I went back and read it, it was like I was telling all that to myself, so I could think about it from another point of view. So at the end, it's like I DID tell someone. Me.

And of course, that's when the "blame" comes in. Because "why did I have to say it?". At least, when I told everything to myself, I didn't feel like I didn't care, because I did. But when I tell someone else, I KNOW for a fact that they don't care. Unless it affects them in any way. And when it gets away from me, I can't keep it in anymore and it gets out, I feel like I shouldn't have said anything, because it was pretty much pointless. The only thing I accomplished is my satisfaction, because at first I feel a little better that I could tell someone. But then I feel exposed, that someone else knows too much and that they didn't really care, so why did I waste their time? Now I made them think I'm even more annoying and irritating, and I make such an effort for them not to think that way...