WTF?!?

This is REALLY weird, but I think I know what I need. And I'm not kidding, I just surprised myself thinking about it. I really don't want to face it, and I didn't want to face it before, that's why it didn't ever occured to me that THAT was what I needed, and what I wanted. Of course, I'm not sure, I'm just guessing. But it totally makes sense. And I feel so stupid I never thought about it. It's the most embarrasing thing ever, and I NEVER thought it could actually happen. I'm not kidding, I am so surprised I can't believe it. But I guess I have to try it, it's gonna kill me if I don't. It's just gonna be so hard to get it, and of course now that I really want it, it's gonna be even harder. I just... I don't think that's it, it can't be... On the other hand... It's always been there. Deep inside, waiting for me to find it. And I've fought against it so many times. Now it all kind of fits. But it's just never gonna happen.

Sophie The Third... or fourth, fifth... whatever

You know you shouldn't be there. But you just can't say anything. It feels so awkward, so uncomfortable. But nobody else will notice. Nobody is paying attention to you. Not that you really want it. It's not that you want them to know that you're there, you just don't want them to FORGET you're there. At least. Because if no one notices you, it's the same as not existing at all, isn't it? It's like that question that says "if nobody is there to hear the lightning, does it actually make any sound?" Or, if you lived in a world where NOBODY ELSE lives, and it's just you, would that be even possible? If nobody is there, nobody would know. And then who would care? So if nobody is there to see you or hear you or smell you or touch you, would you really be there? How could you be sure? Is this what it feels to be lonely? Someone has been making me think about myself lately, and it makes me analyze my thoughts, which I almost always do, but now from another point of view. Now I'm thinking "what would they say if they read this?". But again, nobody's there. Nobody cares really. And nobody would understand. It's not really that easy, it's understandable that you might be clueless of what I'm talking about. It's OK, you're not crazy. In fact, I think I am. But I like to think it's part of everyone of us. I guess I believe that all of us are equal, except we have different values and caracteristics more or less noticeable. For example, I believe ALL of us are selfish at some point. Some people are more selfish than others, but we are all selfish. And I also think that we are all jealous at one point of our lives. Maybe you're not know, but you've been, or you will be. It's just a matter of time. Because we can all be jealous when it comes to that something in particular that gets us. Right there in our soul, it hurts so much that we can't help it, and it becomes jelousy. And if you're not used to the feeling, you'll be surprised. But then you'll realize that you've always been a little bit jealous. Or a lot. The point is, going back to where I started, that I feel this excruciating pain again, and I don't know why. And I always start thinking that there's no one else that can understand it. Nobody ever told me a story where they felt just like I do. And when it comes to that, I remember how alone I am... And I try to find someone with the caracteristics of a person that could get me, but nobody does, and I'm getting tired and giving up. I don't see it happening, and I have too many requirements to become such a friend. If not, you'll never get a clear explanation from me. And believe me, I can make it clear. I could be a whole hour explaning. And I have. But somewhere in between, I lost that person, in the land of boredom I guess. My apologies.