WTF?!?

This is REALLY weird, but I think I know what I need. And I'm not kidding, I just surprised myself thinking about it. I really don't want to face it, and I didn't want to face it before, that's why it didn't ever occured to me that THAT was what I needed, and what I wanted. Of course, I'm not sure, I'm just guessing. But it totally makes sense. And I feel so stupid I never thought about it. It's the most embarrasing thing ever, and I NEVER thought it could actually happen. I'm not kidding, I am so surprised I can't believe it. But I guess I have to try it, it's gonna kill me if I don't. It's just gonna be so hard to get it, and of course now that I really want it, it's gonna be even harder. I just... I don't think that's it, it can't be... On the other hand... It's always been there. Deep inside, waiting for me to find it. And I've fought against it so many times. Now it all kind of fits. But it's just never gonna happen.