M A D O N N A

Si un día quisiera enumerar las cosas más importantes de mi vida (cosa que pensé hacer muchas veces) se me re complicaría, porque me estoy olvidando...

Yo diría que una de las mejores fue Navidad en NY en el 1994 y hacerlo de nuevo en el 2006. Pero la del '94 se me está olvidando, y no creo que me vaya a olvidar que fue genial, pero me voy a olvidar porqué. Entonces digo "será que ya no es uno de mis momentos más importantes?". Y es que se van reemplazando, porque se van olvidando cosas y viviendo mejores. Pero no sé si son TAN mejores, entonces no me los quiero olvidar, pero es imposible, porque uno no controla la memoria.

Todo eso me lleva a que tengo miedo de olvidarme de "la noche que ví a Madonna". A la mujer que el 95% del mundo conoce (porcentaje inventado por mi). No tengo palabras para explicar lo grosa que es y lo importante que va a ser en la historia del mundo. Me pareció un evento único, que va a marcarme. Pero si me llego a olvidar lo importante que fue ahora para mi, después va a ser algo más que recuerdo y tengo en la lista, pero no voy a acordarme cómo me sentí.

Porque esa euforia salida de la nada fue indescriptible.

Y no iba a escribir cosas personales en este blog, pero quién lee para decirme que estoy rompiendo mis propias reglas?

Muajaja!

What do dreams mean?

I've always wondered... (of course, that's bassically all I do)

Have you ever been naked in a dream?

I just dreamt about that yesterday and it kind of brought back with a deja-vu that I've had a lot of dreams like that. So, I looked it up. All dreams have a meaning, and that makes me crazy. Dreams are so weird and full of answers. In my dream in particular, I wasn't completely naked, so I found out the meaning for that:

Female sexuality and maternal love. You will have true and loyal friendship and success in love.

Are you freakin' kidding me?

I mean... maternal love? female sexuality? That's odd.

But then I realized... that's the idea! I never think about those things, it makes me feel weird and ashamed, so I just don't talk with anyone about this kind of things, and that's why I dreamt about it. It is so blocked in my head that I have to release those thoughts somehow. So I dream about it.

The conclusion is, you can't hide your thoughts. If they're somewhere in your mind and you don't express them, it doesn't mean you don't have them. And this leads to to another idea. Which I'm not gonna share, because it would be too much... too personal. So, of course, I'm gonna dream about it.

¿Qué es?

Una punzada. Una luz multicolor. Calor y ardor facial. No, llega hasta el cuello también.

Ojos cerrados, respiración suave... Suspiros y tranquilidad.

Pero nada lo detiene, come con golpes que resuenan en todas las cavidades. Cada "pum" es una exploción nuclear en el centro, que golpea el ultimo hueso de la nariz, y ahí se queda, apretando.

No suelta, y marea. Se extiende y viaja libremente, pero no vive ahi. Viene de visita. Y no es bienvenido en absoluto,

Cada frunce de la frente es una súplica.

Soy una maldita punzada de dolor de cabeza.

Persoclima

¿Será que dentro de una persona, el clima también cambia día a día? O peor, a cada momento. Es impredescible e inesperado. Tiene épocas o temporadas... también se podrían llamar estaciones. Si lo pensamos, la personalidad ES un clima. Hay un cielo entero dentro de cada silueta. Lo que se sobrepone con la teoría de que cada persona es un mundo. Si cada persona lo es, entonces todos tenemos nuestro cielo infinito, que cambia constantemente.

Ahora agreguemos algo a esta fantasía de pensamientos... un pronóstico. Y claro, si tenemos un pronóstico para el clima, ¿por qué no podríamos tener uno para la personalidad?

Estamos hablando de cosas medio ilógicas, puedo decir cualquier cosa y nadie puede objetar. Es como cuando descubrí que estar solo es mucho mejor de lo que la gente cree, esta subestimado. Estar solo es estar con uno mismo. Pensá el resto, no voy a explicarlo, pero empezá por saber que vos sos tu mejor amigo y, cuando más lo necesitás, siempre te tenés a vos mismo. "Me, myself and I, that's all I got in the end". No se puede depender de nadie, nunca. Voy a terminar siendo la mala de una película que dice "siempre termino haciendo todo yo, no puedo mandar a nadie a matar a alguien por mi".

Volviendo... pronostiquemos. "Mañana estarás de un humor estable, destemplado con un par de risas, pero no caerán lágrimas de felicidad. Te enviarán un mensaje de texto que sacará un arcoiris en tu tarde nublada, pero cuando llegue la noche, cagaste (rayos y centellas!). Advertencia para los demás: no acercarse aproximadas las 20 hs, el cansancio llegará y, a menos que ya esté en casa para esa hora, empezará a mandar gente a lugares no deseados."

Asking for a change

A decision to make... a betrayal to manage... a job, a carrier, a family, a life.

Sometimes you feel like it is so hard to go on. And people may say that your problems are not that bad, "there's worse things going on in the world than your stupid issues".

That is not enough. Because we always know that it could get worse, it can always get worse. But this moment, at this exact time, you have a decision to make. And if you're worried, it's not something you can control.

I always end up talking about feelings. But this is because everything leads to them. Everything revolves around how you feel, how a person makes you feel, how your life makes you feel. And everything you do leads to one feeling: happiness, fulfillment, joy. If you decide something is because it's better for you. And if it is better for someone else and you chose their happiness, that makes you happy itself.

"There are no selfless good deeds"

And we've said so many times that we wished we could turn back time. I think I'm the person that says it the most. Because time is precious. And first reactions are so natural that sometimes you regret them. And, of course, you have to live with that. There's no other choice but one. And that's the one I want to make.

You should know, it is possible to start all over. Your age doesn't matter. Your current life doesn't matter. You can always start a new one, from scratch. There's always more time. But then you think about all the time that you lost, and that's the worst part.

But you have to get over it. Because something else is waiting. And you may think "how do I do that?"

It is hard, but the magic words are "move on".

There's always another choice, another way. Change your habits, change your friends.. change your life.

Questions, questions, questions....

Why? How? What is..? I sometimes think I have too many questions, I overload myself with them and I get no answer, ever.

If you wanted to know the reason of the world... you know, "the reason why we are here". And let's say you don't believe in God, because I don't. Who would you ask?

I would put a lot of people together, like the best physicist, the best psychologist, the best meteorologist, the best biologist, etc. I'd put them all together in a room in front of me, and start shooting questions like a maniac. We'd be weeks, years locked up in there. One question would lead to another question, and so on, until it would drive me mad and my head would explode.

Yes, that's what I would do...

Palabras para algo indescriptible

Cuanto esfuerzo por expresarlo en palabras. Otra vez decido que no, es casi imposible. Quiero sacar la presión de mi estómago de alguna otra manera.

Esta… acidez, este dolor interno. Ningún movimiento brusco está ayudando. No logro que la fuerza desatada sin motivo libere las manos que aprietan mi garganta. Va quedando casi sin aire. Y cuando lo único que deja salir es un grito, lo libero. Corro, aprieto mi rostro contra una almohada, y lo libero. Como si fuera el último respiro. Y cuando compruebo que no lo es, que mis brazos y piernas se ablandaron, muerdo un pedazo de tela que resultó estar tan cerca de mi boca. Lo muerdo, hasta que los dientes chillan y las encías duelen. Pero sigue estando ahí. Quizás hasta más agresivo, porque comprobó que salir va a ser más difícil.

¿Pero cómo?, ¿gritar con todas mis fuerzas no ayudó? Es lo que dice en cada libro.

Pero entonces lo entendí. Razoné y concluí en que esta vez no era bronca. No era enojo. Esta vez era tristeza. Maldita agonía que me traía sin avisar. Porque si hubiera sabido que las simples coincidencias que me dejaron en este punto de la vida no iban a ser las que me complacían… estaría preparada.

Pensé que mi personalidad estúpidamente conformista se dejaría contentar con esto. Con lo que hay. Con lo que me tocó.

Pero no, claro… siempre queriendo más. Inútil raza humana que quiere ver aunque no haya nada para observar. Que quiere saber pero que ya sabe todo lo que hay.

Something different, so we don't get used to anything...

Today’s subject… drugs. Yes, I know you know what I’m talking about. I have something I’ve meaning to say since my first time… I have this theory (I know, stop with with the theories! right?) about creativity and imagination. I think I found out like “the biggest secret of the world”.

You know how they make you dizzy and you start thinking stuff you would have never thought about before. Suddenly, one day, I thought “hold on a second… this is it! This is why all the creative people IS creative! It’s because they smoke pot!” And then it was like “Shit, I know everything”. Like if you suddenly read all of the world’s books and hit your head with a bat. And now, every time I see something really funny or amazing, like something that gets your attention, I think “the person who did this, smokes pot”. But then… does EVERYONE smoke pot? And you start looking at people differently, you know? Always thinking “you are acting weird today… you smoked pot, didn’t you?”

That always brings me to the first day I had some. I thought “I know there’s a secret behind this, I just need some time to figure it out”. And here it is. This is it.

Everyone smokes pot. It’s the reason for everything that was ever created… It was so obvious; I don’t know how I didn’t realize it before!

Soñemos...

Dos mil novecientas doce horas. Ciento veintiún días y medio que el cuerpo pasa inmóvil. Completamente independiente, pero estúpidamente inmóvil. La mente se convierte en un océano en la peor de sus mareas. Autónoma y libre se abre paso por la pantalla gigante de la imaginación. Y como un pájaro arma un nido, ramita por ramita, la mente arma sueños y pesadillas, con memorias y fantasías, deseos o pensamientos y un poco de recuerdos que pensábamos se habían borrado. Impredecible y fantástica, la mente nunca deja de trabajar. Almacena en el día real y en el día inentendible del subconsciente . Cada letra, cada respiro, cada movimiento, cada gesto, cada intención, cada pensamiento. Hasta el más mínimo, todo se junta y se mezcla como el cielo y las nubes si se las batiera en algún recipiente, que esperemos no sea la tierra. Y el resultado: una película completamente olvidable, casi siempre incoherente pero real para cada uno. Obsoleta como cualquier sueño, pero impactante y sorprendente.

Some other feelings...

I just LOVE adrenaline, don’t you? There’s nothing better than feeling a lump on your throat. I personally think that a lot of feelings feel the same (I know, redundancy) and we are confused by this, so we think it’s different when it really isn’t. Let me give you an interactive example. Imagine yourself having this knot on your stomach, trying to contain a scream and feeling eager, keeping all this strength and almost shacking. Think about this question now… with this feelings I gave you, do you think you are nervous or extremely happy or totally distressed?

It could be any of these, that’s the point. You feel exactly the same when you’re going through this situations. And this takes me to a million dollar question: how do you know how you’re feeling if every feeling feels the same? I know, feel feelings felt feeling feels. I apologize for this, I find this word and it’s meaning so… vast.

Going back to the adrenaline thing, that I don’t really know how I related this with the other, but whatever. I just think that what most people describes as “nervous” feels good. You are probably one of those people, but let me explain myself. I think that when you are nervous, adrenaline runs through your veins. You feel eager, like you are about to explode. Most of you would try to avoid this, to calm yourselfs and stop feeling like this. This is not what I do; I just try to enjoy it, to get the best out of it. This is mostly because I’m terribly shy and I feel nervous most of the time, so I learnt to take advantage of this. It’s like when people say that you “work better under pressure”. It is so right, we really do. Well, not all of us I guess.

I think this takes me to a subject I’ve been wanting to get to… positivie attitude. I don’t want to get too much into it because I know that a lot of people will disagree with me here, I guess I always take it too far. This is probably because I think it is a philosophy to live by. Everything is so much easier when you look from the right side of it, search for the good consequences and when you see the glass half full. If you tried just for one day to smile at everything, to take things easy, get over things that annoy you and not to worry about anything, I think you might get my point.

I’m done for the day, but my last petition is for Positive Thinkers to make a cult and take over the world.

My first try to make a point...

You know how you always have this voice inside, the “real you” speaking, trying to communicate? Let me explain myself better… When something happens, something unexpected, you have a reaction. It’s instant, it’s not something that you anticipate. That you can prevent. It might be a thought, or an action. You could jump surprised, or you could have weird things going through your head. This is were I want to establish, in your head. Because, for me, that’s the most fascinating, intriguing and, at the same time, scary, part of… I was going to say life, but it’s not. I sometimes think it’s too much for me to think. Ok, I know I’m getting out of the subject, but just try to keep up, because thoughts don’t have speed limits, and mines certainly have Ferraris.

And usually I end up in the first place I started. I just tried to explain in some sentences what I was thinking about and went way out of subject trying to make myself clear. The stupid thing is that I didn’t, and that I probably said something without saying anything at all. The thing is, when you find yourself having this thoughts… this weird, unanticipated odd thoughts about something, you sometimes surprise yourself of the things that go through your head, right?

You should know by this time that I usually presume that you go through the same things that I do, because you wouldn’t understand me if you didn’t, and because I’d like to think I’m not alone in this.

Have you ever said “how could I just thought that?”. Like if you just found out something about you. Of course I have the theory that you never know everything about you. In different circunstances, you could see how much different you are from the person you thought you were. But sometimes you may go through this phase were you just say “who the hell am I?”. And the thing is, it’s actually exciting. And at the same time, it’s frustating.

When you figure out something about you, it’s almost like seeing your life from another point of view, and really understanding it. You suddenly find the reasons for all this weird things you were doing. I know I should use some examples, so that nobody gets lost in the middle of this thing I call “my thoughts”, but that’s not the point, because if you can’t keep up, you’re not like me, my whole theory just fell down and you should stop reading right now. But if you actually are like me, and you just remembered some examples of your own while reading this theories, then you can keep on reading… if you want to, of course.

Let’s go deeper with the whole “unexpected reactions”. By reactions I don’t only refer to expressions, but most of all, to feelings. For instance (yes, here goes an example, if you kept reading you deserve it), …


Ok, right there I wrote a huge example that later I realized it didn’t show exactly what I was trying to say, so, sorry, no example for now. Explaining myself is the hardest thing to do.
I feel like everyone is so different, and we all think in our own personal way, so not a lot of people will understand this. Do you feel like I actually haven’t said too much? Me too…

I’m just trying to explain, once again, the reason why sometimes people act so odd. It’s because our thoughts always betray us. They are never as we expect, they trick us and play with our minds. You have no control over them.
Since your personality was “formed” based on the world you live in and the people that makes contact with you, your thoughts become an entity. They rule over your behaviour, taking control of your feelings and telling them what to do, like if they were a trained dog. This means that sometimes they may disobey and take over. You know, like when you start crying unwillingly for something that you thought you would’ve never cried about.


I think I might just have made a point clear. My work is done here.