WTF?!?

This is REALLY weird, but I think I know what I need. And I'm not kidding, I just surprised myself thinking about it. I really don't want to face it, and I didn't want to face it before, that's why it didn't ever occured to me that THAT was what I needed, and what I wanted. Of course, I'm not sure, I'm just guessing. But it totally makes sense. And I feel so stupid I never thought about it. It's the most embarrasing thing ever, and I NEVER thought it could actually happen. I'm not kidding, I am so surprised I can't believe it. But I guess I have to try it, it's gonna kill me if I don't. It's just gonna be so hard to get it, and of course now that I really want it, it's gonna be even harder. I just... I don't think that's it, it can't be... On the other hand... It's always been there. Deep inside, waiting for me to find it. And I've fought against it so many times. Now it all kind of fits. But it's just never gonna happen.

Sophie The Third... or fourth, fifth... whatever

You know you shouldn't be there. But you just can't say anything. It feels so awkward, so uncomfortable. But nobody else will notice. Nobody is paying attention to you. Not that you really want it. It's not that you want them to know that you're there, you just don't want them to FORGET you're there. At least. Because if no one notices you, it's the same as not existing at all, isn't it? It's like that question that says "if nobody is there to hear the lightning, does it actually make any sound?" Or, if you lived in a world where NOBODY ELSE lives, and it's just you, would that be even possible? If nobody is there, nobody would know. And then who would care? So if nobody is there to see you or hear you or smell you or touch you, would you really be there? How could you be sure? Is this what it feels to be lonely? Someone has been making me think about myself lately, and it makes me analyze my thoughts, which I almost always do, but now from another point of view. Now I'm thinking "what would they say if they read this?". But again, nobody's there. Nobody cares really. And nobody would understand. It's not really that easy, it's understandable that you might be clueless of what I'm talking about. It's OK, you're not crazy. In fact, I think I am. But I like to think it's part of everyone of us. I guess I believe that all of us are equal, except we have different values and caracteristics more or less noticeable. For example, I believe ALL of us are selfish at some point. Some people are more selfish than others, but we are all selfish. And I also think that we are all jealous at one point of our lives. Maybe you're not know, but you've been, or you will be. It's just a matter of time. Because we can all be jealous when it comes to that something in particular that gets us. Right there in our soul, it hurts so much that we can't help it, and it becomes jelousy. And if you're not used to the feeling, you'll be surprised. But then you'll realize that you've always been a little bit jealous. Or a lot. The point is, going back to where I started, that I feel this excruciating pain again, and I don't know why. And I always start thinking that there's no one else that can understand it. Nobody ever told me a story where they felt just like I do. And when it comes to that, I remember how alone I am... And I try to find someone with the caracteristics of a person that could get me, but nobody does, and I'm getting tired and giving up. I don't see it happening, and I have too many requirements to become such a friend. If not, you'll never get a clear explanation from me. And believe me, I can make it clear. I could be a whole hour explaning. And I have. But somewhere in between, I lost that person, in the land of boredom I guess. My apologies.

I'm my own Sherlock Holmes right know. Trying to find the little detail. I have my magnifying glass right here. And I'm analysing everything that happened. But I just can't find it. I studied every move, every word and person. It didn't really happen much. I mean, I almost didn't do a thing. Only, that Friday night... it was disturbing. But I don't really think that's it, I've gone over and over it in my mind, and I don't see anything wrong with that. It was bound to happen, and it wasn't even that bad. It could have been so much worse. I mean, I didn't even get robbed. I ALMOST did. It was just a scare. A scare that I deserved by the way. I needed it. So it wasn't really that troubled. And I'm not traumatized about it. It has to be something else. There is something that's bothering me and I just can't see what it is. And I'm going inside myself, deeper and deeper. Like someone just opened my torax with a scalpel. And in we go. We start moving things from our way, just like in "Dear, I shrunk the kids!", because of course, I'm really tiny and getting in a huge body. And I'm making my way through it, with a spaceship, going directly (with nitro) to my memory. Yeah, I guess I'm not Sherlock Holmes anymore. So, I'm heading towards my mind, and I still can't find anything. Was it him? Was it that moment? Was it her? Is that it? Is it? I'm not sure. I'm never sure. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was just thinking... I'm like peeling an onion. Wow, I just realized what Donkey said, on Shrek. He said that Shrek was like an onion because he was all layers. Now I got it. So then, I'm an ogre. What a conclusion...

To share or not to share

If I had to count them, I'd say I probably have about 10 secrets. Only 2 or 3 are one of those really secret, that I would never be able to tell ANYONE. Those are the ones that you imagine yourself telling to others, to plan the different scenarios, depending on how they react. I don't think there could be a person that never thought of this. Everyone has secrets. And some people have secrets that they don't even want to face. It's such a huge secret, they don't even want to think about it. It's too embarrasing perhaps? Too evil? Cause, it could happen. This totally relates to another of my comments about how we never completely know ourselves. There's just some thoughts that we have, that make you think "WTF?! How can I even think something like this?!". And that's exactly the moment when that thought became a secret. Because, of course, if it's surprising for yourself, you could never tell someone else. But you will think about it. And picture the situation, how you would say it and how the other person would react. And we evaluate all of the odds, you end up thinking "of course I'm not gonna tell him anyway, I couldn't, what would he think about me?!". Well, here's the deal. He would probably think the same thing YOU are thinking. If it is actually an evil thought, they'll think you are evil. They will find out that you've always been evil and that you could kill them at any moment now... If you had a dirty thought, they'll just think you are weird. Usually, this ones are allowed, because everyone knows that everyone has dirty thoughts. But what if it was something really awefull? Something so disgusting, or so prohibited? Something that could never happen. Something that you don't really know how it makes you feel, you don't really understand why you're considering it. But it's there, it's in your mind. And it's stabbing little knives in your brain, screaming at the top of it's lungs "RELEASE ME!!!". And it tortures you everyday. The more you want to stop thinking about it, the more it hurts. You have to let it go, just tell someone. But why is it so hard to keep your own secrets? Why do you need to let them go? To get someone else's opinion? Just to see how they react? Maybe you just want to make sure you're not crazy. I mean, there has to be a reason why someone can't keep a freakin' secret!!

Nothing is impossible

A veces la gente se encapricha con las cosas más ilógicas. Es difícil pensar objetivamente la mayoría del tiempo, casi siempre vamos a necesitar a un tercero que nos ayude a ver las cosas de afuera. Si estás encaprichado, es todavía más difícil. Es una obsesión, algo que se necesita o se quiera hacer, no importan los riezgos o por lo que se tenga que pasar para lograrlo. Cuando nos ponemos una idea en la cabeza, no hay más alternativas. El problema es cuando no se puede cumplir. Uno va a hacer lo posible e imposible, pero a veces no se llega, y tenemos que pasar por sobre otras personas, lastimar a otras personas, convencerlas de que lo que queremos es lo que hay que hacer, o tener. Por más que otros digan que no, uno no ve otras opciones. Hay un solo camino, y es el que nosotros queremos. Si no podemos cumplir ese capricho, viene la decepción. Y encima de todo, la frustración y la impotencia. Maldita impotencia. Porque es la peor, nos hace pensar que TIENE que haber otra forma, pero cuando no la hay, queremos desatar la furia con algo, o alguien. Obviamente, el foco de desahogo siempre es el equivocado, porque se pierde el juicio. Echamos la culpa a cosas que no tienen nada que ver, porque nos volvemos ciegos. Si no alcanzamos lo que queremos, somos capaces de cualquier cosa. Pero al fin y al cabo, es un ciclo vicioso. Como todo. El problema es que todo se separa. Si intentacemos llegar a nuestra meta con pequeños objetivos, quizás todo sería más fácil. Pero, como dije, es tan complicado ser objetivo cuando estamos tan obsecionados. No vemos claro, confundimos sentimientos y motivos. Y todo vuelve a empezar. No pude lograr aquello, así que voy a tener que hacer lo otro. Porque, al fin y al cabo, todos tenemos una meta, un punto final al que queremos llegar. Un sueño. Por más tiempo que tenga que pasar, en el fondo sabemos que en algún momento lo vamos a alcanzar. Cueste lo que cueste, y haciendo lo que haya que hacer, todos llegamos en algún momento. O tendremos que conformarnos con lo que hay. Aburrida y triste conformidad.

¿..?

I really really want to know what I want. It's driving me fucking crazy. There HAS to be a way. I've said it before, but I think the easiest solution is a psychologist. Or maybe I wanna start writing another story. I'm kind of thinking about it, I don't really think I have what it takes, but it might keep me busy. It'll suck, that's for sure. But... who cares? It's just for my own good sake. And it won't be for long, since I'm starting school in a couple of weeks and I won't have any time for it. School... that sounds so boring. I don't really know if I wanna go. But, again, I don't know shit about what I want. Today I want to, tomorrow I won't. I'm so impulsive it's disgusting. What am I gonna do about it? I can't help it. And yet, when somebody else wants me to be impulsive, I'm so not. I'm only impulsive with such stupid things. And at the same time, I'm SO lazy. I hate it, but there's no way around it. I'm the laziest person I have EVER met. I admit it, I don't care. Well, I actually DO care, but I can't change it. Know what?... I don't really think I'm on the right path. And I know "it's never too late". But I'm SO lazy I don't think I have enough strength to change directions. Cause it's really not as easy as it sounds. I would have to change not one thing, but EVERYTHING. And everything is just so much...

Je ne sais pas

Hace varios días que tengo esta sensación... a ver si puedo explicarla, porque es re compleja. Y en realidad, si lo pienso, no lo tengo desde hace días sino desde siempre. Pero últimamente se está agravando... Es como si tuviera muchas cosas pendientes. Si todo el tiempo estuviese pensando en cosas que tengo que hacer. Y me frustro. Me recontra frustro. Estoy CONSTANTEMENTE pensando en responsabilidades, en lo que voy a hacer este año, lo que quiero hacer... son, fuera de joda, 800 cosas. Es increíble todas las que hay. Y me queman la cabeza, me termino quedando callada y colgada, la gente me mira. Pasan, pasan, pienso en una, me lleva a la otra, antes tengo que pensar en eso, pero también quiero eso, y tengo que hacer aquello. Es la muerte! Es un ciclo interminable que al final siempre me hace llorar de frustración. De impotencia! (que después voy a hablar más de ese, el peor sentimiento del mundo). Me hace sentir que nunca voy a poder hacerlas, y me nace la puta indesición. NO SÉ. No sé, no sé, no sé! No sé si lo quiero, no sé si lo haría, no sé cuándo, no sé cómo voy a hacerlo, no sé si decirlo o no, no séeeeeeeeeee!!! ... Y ahí es cuando se lo cuento a alguien. Porque digo "claro, si se lo cuento a alguien capaz me ayude, o me de una opinión que me ayude a decidir". Pobres las personas que ya me escucharon... En este momento están buscando en clasificados una máquina del tiempo para volver a ese momento y no haberme preguntado qué me pasaba. Se quieren matar. Y la peor parte es que nada me ayuda. Sigo sin decidirme, me frustro más porque a veces me entienden y tengo razón. O peor, me dan opiniones o consejos completamente estúpidos que no me servirían. Y creo que volví a hacer lo mismo, porque escribirlo es casi como contarlo. Y como antes, no está ayudando. Hacer la lista tampoco ayudó. Y ya se me acabaron las ideas, me estoy volviendo recontra ciclotímica, de repente me frustro y tengo el peor mal humor del planetario. En dos segundos me convierto en mi antítesis: la negatividad. Me sale todo mal, me enojo y, obviamente, no sé qué hacer. En fin, como todo esto no fue productivo en absoluto, seguiré pensandolo. Qué se yooo, no sé qué hacer! Será la respuesta "volvé a la psicóloga"?... Hmmm...