my first REAL trip

This is just how it happened, I can't quite explain everything I felt, not yet. Maybe next time, because I NEED another chance to appreciate it a little bit more.

But these were the facts:

February 3rd, 2008. One day before my trip to Peru with my friend and all her family.

I was at my friend's house. Marcos and Natalia were there.

My most trustful friend said "I have a present for you, it's a way of saying goodbye for 22 days". And he shows me this... piece of cardboard. The smallest little piece of cardboard, with a weird picture in it. Like it had just been ripped off of it's other half.

Since, like I said, he's one of the people I trust the most, I took it without thinking about it that much, and listened to the instructions, already quite excited. We did everything exactly like he said, still with some doubts and all of the questions in our minds. We had no idea what was going to happen from that moment on. Like a friend said once, it's like giving your whole self to something. You have no idea what is about to happen, you deliver yourself to the unknown. The weird thing is that I'd do it for this, but I don't think I'd put my life in someone else's hands sometimes...

So, going back, we placed the little cardboards in our mouths and waited... and waited a little more. About 20 minutes after that, I ask my friend "so how long did you say it was gonna take?". And only at that moment, and not before that, I realized I was lying upside down, with my legs over the bed and my back on the cold floor. I was staring at the fan, going round and round. He just looked at me and laughed, said it was probably already on. And it sure was.

Where I was, I could see the fan turning, and since I was on the floor, I saw my friends dancing around me, and they were looking at me and laughing. They would come closer to my face, laugh, and keep dancing. They were literally driving me crazy, so I turned away and went back to losing myself in the fan. I moved my feet around it, this meaning, in the air. Like trying to cover it with my feet. It's hard to explain the game of shadows I could see...

An this is where time is hard to explain... I have absolutely no idea of how much time passed AT ALL.

So let's say... half an hour after that, my dad calls on my cell. Says I should be packing, since it was 11 pm the day before my trip, and I hadn't even separated my clothes. The plane was leaving at 6 am.

So I decide to head out to my house. What I had to do was the following: my friend's house was two blocks away from my mom's house, where I had to stop and get a suitcase, and then I had to go to my house to pack. All of this with a taxi waiting, cause I didn't have the car that day. The thing is, I hate making taxi drivers wait for me, I feel I'm losing money or whatever, I just don't like it. So I ask my friends to come with me, go by feet, and take the cab after I pick up the suitcase. They agree and we start the two blocks trip. Obviously, the longest EVER.

Some weird guys were hanging out on the corner, and since it's not the safer neighbourhood, we became pretty scared. It was already kind of late, about 11:30 pm supposedly, so I told my friends to wait for me downstairs so we wouldn't wake up my mom. They begged me to please hurry, cause they didn't want to be left alone on the street at that hour and, of course, being so fucked up and all.

So I go upstairs, also, the longest elevator trip EVER. I get into my house trying to be as quiet as possible, and grab the suitcase. When I'm starting to think "victory!" I listen to my mom.... "Sofia??" from her room.

I answer back and we start a small chat about the following day's trip. The situation was the craziest thing... I'm holding the suitcase in the dark of her room, she's talking to me (I'm still not sure about what) and all I could think of and all that was on my mind at that time was "she's gonna notice, idiot!!! she's gonna know what you did!! she already knows that thing you did!!!".

So I tried not to speak, and as soon as I could, I ran away. When I'm opening the door, the assholes rang the bell! My mom yells "who is that?!" and I had to explain that they had walked with me because we were scared or something like that, I don't really remember the conversation.

Whatever, I went downstairs as fast as I could. When I got down, my friends had left.

Yes, they had left. I couldn't believe they had left me by myself, I was pretty upset. And other things too, but mainly, upset. I raised my hand and (amazingly enough) I got a taxi, and got in. I opened the suitcase inside the cab, to make sure the bag that I had asked my mom to put inside, was there indeed.

Of course, it wasn't. It had shampoo and other things, so I really needed it.

I'll make this part short, because time was actually flying by, right in my face; I felt a constant noice of "shhhsjshssjhsshsghshs" in my ears, and all I wanted to do was to get home... But what happened is, I told the taxi to go back, I searched my house and the bag was not there. I called my friends and before I even asked them about them leaving, I asked for my bag. They started telling me the story of the monsters that had followed them on the street (?) and I finally got an answer, the bag wasn't there either. Meanwhile, I had told the taxi to turn around like two times and we surrounded the same block twice. I finally decided that I was going crazy, and I thought "to hell with the bag, I'll buy shampoo in Peru" and I told the taxi driver to just take me home.

Same story this time, my dad started talking to me, telling me how irresponsible I was for not having prepared my suitcase being so late (approximately 12 am now).

NOTE: those 2 hourse were like a century to me. All I could think of was how my face looked like (which was probably just normal, but I felt like my eyes were bigger and I was smiling all the time) and that everyone knew by now what I had done.

I finally got in my room, locked the door, left the suitcase on the floor and sat on my bed. I tried to breathe in and out very slowly, to calm myself down. I was just TOO excited. I couldn't control my thoughts and I couldn't stop thinking. Everything was going so fast, and I still had to put together a suitcase with clothes for 22 days.

I stayed sitting on my bed for some time, no idea how much of course, and then it hit me.

Marcos had told us some of the "side effects", some things that might happen without you realizing it. He had said that people usually felt uncomfortable with their clothes. I obviously thought that he was saying this because he was a guy with two girls and all he can think about is sex. So I didn't think it was possible, but there I was, sitting on the edge of my bed, only wearing my underwear. I couldn't remember taking my clothes off, but what the hell, I felt so much lighter that way, and fresh.

I decided I would calm down, take it easy, and enjoy it. I turned on my TV (HUGE MISTAKE!) and Mission: Impossible 3 was on.

Now I can definitely say that I LOVE that movie, and it's one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Tom Cruise's hair moving so slowly, the motorcycle tricks, their gestures in slow motion. It was almost at the end of the movie that I started watching it, so I saw the last part of it and decided I would start separating my clothes.

As soon as I open the suitcase wide open (and we all know this was bound the happen) there was my bag, with the shampoo, soap and everything else. I didn't really feel upset for going through that moment earlier that day, I just laughed at what I had done and just forgot about it.

This part I don't exactly remember, but in the blink of an eye, I was all packed.

I sat in the computer, admired my work, changed into my "traveling outfit" and waited. I didn't actually look at the clock to see how much time I had to wait, I just sat there and waited.

I started writing something completely senseless like always, and some time after that, I heard my dad's alarm. He came into my room, looked at me and said "you didn't sleep all night, did you?" and I said that I had, "I just woke up a couple of minutes ago". I don't really know WHY I lied, I just did.

We lost the elevator about 3 times since I kept forgetting things; first my passport, then my toothbrush, then my sanity...

Long story short (yeah right!), we got to the airport, and I had to go through the same situation AGAIN! My friend and part of her family were there, early in the morning, trying to start a relationship with this person they didn't know but had to spend 22 days with. I was just trying to calm down and go unnoticed. I was still in a whole different dimension and I didn't want everyone to notice! But at some point, my friend looked at me for a second, and she really knows me and gets me. She just stared at me for a minute, wondering and knowing that something weird was going on. Some time after this episode, she told me this, and after I told her the story, she just said "I knew you were on something... next time just share, don't make me guess". haha.

So for the following two hours I just stayed looking at this publicity sign in the airport, (it had like 40 colored pencils one next to the other, very cool), and pretended I was just tired.

(the faber castel sign went something like that, but that's not exactly the one)

The whole flight was incredible, with me realizing that we were ACTUALLY FLYING OVER THE COUNTRY. And from where I could see it, I was double-flying, double-high. I would look outside through the small airplane window and stare at the clouds, look back inside (with the face of an overly excited child) to my friend, say "isn't this AMAZING?!?!!!" and look outside again.

This went on for almost the whole flight, until I fell asleep. The longest and most uncomfortable nap-on-a-plane I've ever had.

Wrong again

I don't think that was it... Why can´t this be easier?

WTF?!?

This is REALLY weird, but I think I know what I need. And I'm not kidding, I just surprised myself thinking about it. I really don't want to face it, and I didn't want to face it before, that's why it didn't ever occured to me that THAT was what I needed, and what I wanted. Of course, I'm not sure, I'm just guessing. But it totally makes sense. And I feel so stupid I never thought about it. It's the most embarrasing thing ever, and I NEVER thought it could actually happen. I'm not kidding, I am so surprised I can't believe it. But I guess I have to try it, it's gonna kill me if I don't. It's just gonna be so hard to get it, and of course now that I really want it, it's gonna be even harder. I just... I don't think that's it, it can't be... On the other hand... It's always been there. Deep inside, waiting for me to find it. And I've fought against it so many times. Now it all kind of fits. But it's just never gonna happen.

Sophie The Third... or fourth, fifth... whatever

You know you shouldn't be there. But you just can't say anything. It feels so awkward, so uncomfortable. But nobody else will notice. Nobody is paying attention to you. Not that you really want it. It's not that you want them to know that you're there, you just don't want them to FORGET you're there. At least. Because if no one notices you, it's the same as not existing at all, isn't it? It's like that question that says "if nobody is there to hear the lightning, does it actually make any sound?" Or, if you lived in a world where NOBODY ELSE lives, and it's just you, would that be even possible? If nobody is there, nobody would know. And then who would care? So if nobody is there to see you or hear you or smell you or touch you, would you really be there? How could you be sure? Is this what it feels to be lonely? Someone has been making me think about myself lately, and it makes me analyze my thoughts, which I almost always do, but now from another point of view. Now I'm thinking "what would they say if they read this?". But again, nobody's there. Nobody cares really. And nobody would understand. It's not really that easy, it's understandable that you might be clueless of what I'm talking about. It's OK, you're not crazy. In fact, I think I am. But I like to think it's part of everyone of us. I guess I believe that all of us are equal, except we have different values and caracteristics more or less noticeable. For example, I believe ALL of us are selfish at some point. Some people are more selfish than others, but we are all selfish. And I also think that we are all jealous at one point of our lives. Maybe you're not know, but you've been, or you will be. It's just a matter of time. Because we can all be jealous when it comes to that something in particular that gets us. Right there in our soul, it hurts so much that we can't help it, and it becomes jelousy. And if you're not used to the feeling, you'll be surprised. But then you'll realize that you've always been a little bit jealous. Or a lot. The point is, going back to where I started, that I feel this excruciating pain again, and I don't know why. And I always start thinking that there's no one else that can understand it. Nobody ever told me a story where they felt just like I do. And when it comes to that, I remember how alone I am... And I try to find someone with the caracteristics of a person that could get me, but nobody does, and I'm getting tired and giving up. I don't see it happening, and I have too many requirements to become such a friend. If not, you'll never get a clear explanation from me. And believe me, I can make it clear. I could be a whole hour explaning. And I have. But somewhere in between, I lost that person, in the land of boredom I guess. My apologies.